The Monster in the Closet

Generally, when people think of monsters, boogeymen and the like, they consider them to be fallacies of youth. But adults have their own set of boogeymen.

The Monster Under the Bedsheets – To children, the bed serves three purposes: To sleep in, to jump on, and to house dangerous monsters that bite your feet when you’re sleeping. To adults, the three purposes of the bed change to sleeping, making hanky-panky and cleaning.

The decree “Make your bed!” is a strange one from the perspective of a child. After all, it’s just going to get messy again at the end of the day, right?

What the child doesn’t take into account is the presence of The Monster Under the Bedsheets. If the sheets are left askew, the monster can emerge and wreck havoc. The only way to stop it is to make the bed, as the perfectly smooth sheets leave no room for the monster to escape The Bed Zone.

The Giant Fly (OF DOOM) - Don’t leave your lights on when you leave a room! Even for a moment! For, as all adults know, an unattended light will attract Giant Flies (OF DOOM) from miles around. And once these pests have infested your house, you’ll never be able to get them out. They hide in the (giant-sized) crevices in the walls and breed like (giant) rabbits.

Just turn off the light. You won’t regret it.

The Bedtime Boogeyman – The average child needs only 3 hours of sleep in any given night. Everyone knows this. However, if any child stays up past his/her bedtime, The Bedtime Boogeyman comes to visit.

He comes in the dead of the night, when you least expect him. The shadows are his medium, stealth his art. He slinks up to the door and rings the doorbell. Again, and again, and again. But when someone comes to answer, he vanishes.

That shit gets really frustrating. Go to bed, kids.